A Futile Symphony!

So its saturday, Im sitting in. This is not normal. Ive come to realize my fucking problems...All my problems stem form one thing.

Loneliness.

It scares the absolute shite out of me. I would rather do anything than to be left by myself. I panic, I fret, I upset myself. I cant be left alone. Im not used to it. I have grown up in a huge family, An extremely busy house, Always been in a long term relationship. A gang of 30/40 lads to hang with every night. It was a Chaotic I suppose. But its how I liked it.

So with these three main factors to deal with all in one year.

1. Mam and Dads divorce
2. My brother (the closest person to me in the whole world. Shared the same room all our lives, same school, same friends, same job, same band) moving to a different country
3. My long term girlfriend deserting me

I just pushed things to the back of my mind and tryd to deal with them there. No way could I deal with all that at once. So I figure "Put on a brave face and just go have fun, it will fix itself"
This did not happen. I'm still grieving I suppose and in a bad way. I'm still alone. I'm no happier now then I was a year ago. Anyone that comes along and makes me happy I purposely sabotage the friendship. Its a subconscious thing.

Being close to someone isn't going to make me feel better...Maybe for a while it will. But Ultimately I look for a way to push them away. Why ? Because I know I will loose them eventually so might as well get it out of the way early instead of getting too hurt.

I have to learn to be by myself. I have to learn to live with me. I have to just take time out and accept that no matter what happens in life, Loosing people is part of living. Enjoy the time you have with them. Not fret about when or why they leave.

Today is a new day for me I guess.

Sorry to anyone who I have pushed away in one way or another. And yes, They seem to all be women. Which I'm very sorry for.

My confidence in women will be restored one day. In the meantime I'm going to try not take my insecurities out on them. I didn't want to be the same person that done this to me. But I'm afraid I already am.

Shit buzz