A Futile Symphony!

So its saturday, Im sitting in. This is not normal. Ive come to realize my fucking problems...All my problems stem form one thing.

Loneliness.

It scares the absolute shite out of me. I would rather do anything than to be left by myself. I panic, I fret, I upset myself. I cant be left alone. Im not used to it. I have grown up in a huge family, An extremely busy house, Always been in a long term relationship. A gang of 30/40 lads to hang with every night. It was a Chaotic I suppose. But its how I liked it.

So with these three main factors to deal with all in one year.

1. Mam and Dads divorce
2. My brother (the closest person to me in the whole world. Shared the same room all our lives, same school, same friends, same job, same band) moving to a different country
3. My long term girlfriend deserting me

I just pushed things to the back of my mind and tryd to deal with them there. No way could I deal with all that at once. So I figure "Put on a brave face and just go have fun, it will fix itself"
This did not happen. I'm still grieving I suppose and in a bad way. I'm still alone. I'm no happier now then I was a year ago. Anyone that comes along and makes me happy I purposely sabotage the friendship. Its a subconscious thing.

Being close to someone isn't going to make me feel better...Maybe for a while it will. But Ultimately I look for a way to push them away. Why ? Because I know I will loose them eventually so might as well get it out of the way early instead of getting too hurt.

I have to learn to be by myself. I have to learn to live with me. I have to just take time out and accept that no matter what happens in life, Loosing people is part of living. Enjoy the time you have with them. Not fret about when or why they leave.

Today is a new day for me I guess.

Sorry to anyone who I have pushed away in one way or another. And yes, They seem to all be women. Which I'm very sorry for.

My confidence in women will be restored one day. In the meantime I'm going to try not take my insecurities out on them. I didn't want to be the same person that done this to me. But I'm afraid I already am.

Shit buzz

So fresh and so mean!

So although my life has been coming together piece by piece the last few months and Ive been happier than i think I have ever been, Ive still had a grey cloud over me up until today.

Although I have my lovely little house, in a lovely little area, with my lovely house mates and paying for it all with my lovely little job, my depression was still in the background. I had come off my medication by my own choice at the end of the summer as It was time to suck it up and stop hiding behind the pills.

Things have been really complex lately. I was thinking of buckling and going back to the pills. I was finding tonnes of things too hard to cope with. Too much at one time. Then I looked at myself not so many days ago and realized "Man...I have a fucking full grown beard" What the fuck is this shit??? Men get beards! Not me. I'm still only fucking.........Oh!!! I'm 20 motherfucking 4 going on 20 mother fucking 5. I am a man. Bollocks!!!

So...Being a man, I suppose I'm gonna have to step up and TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS!
I put on my game face. Wiped my worry slate clean. And decided to deal with everything as it comes. One mother fucking problem at a time.

I started with getting the social life sorted. Reigning it back a little. Stop using Mr. Vodka as some kind of comfort blanket to help me sleep. Done. Next, Finances. With the social life pegged back, More cash has become available, Bigger chunks of cash off bills. Done.

Next, love life. Well, When I say love life..... I mean the part of my life dedicated to female friends. Up until recently I had not realised what a fucking wanker I have been to women. Specially the ones who actually love me. And to my surprise...There was more than one. I had three Women tell me they were in love with me this month. I don't understand it. But regardless...I'm a fucking chicken. I push them all away as harshly as I can so they never come back.

Ive apologised to all but one. She doesn't deserve a sorry.

I had also been getting weird vibes from a really good mate lately. I knew they were avoiding me as much as possible without letting me know or hurt my "feeeeeelings" but I was in such a good humor today nothing could bring me down. I decided to hit that shot up head on. All or nothing. Surprisingly after just being straight for what seemed like an hour, But in fact was about 5 sentences...We were back on track. This week I had gotten three texts from said friend. Tonight we chatted for about 5 hours, Having fun, Laughs and actually talking about stuff that mattered. It gave me that 5% extra spring in my step.

Although I haven't specifically said what has made me snap out of my grey lull, lets just say Ive had an eye opening experience this week and I'm glad I came out of it the better. Things could always, ALWAYS be much much worse. Keep smiling and the world will smile with you.

The "He said, She said" BULLSHIT!!!

I like to think that I have a lot of friends. And this year has been a strange one regarding friends.
Why??? Well I have grown apart from some of my oldest longest mates, Doods I grew up with. Its not that I dont like them, Its just that they are all grown up now. All off them with kids and long term girlfriends and bills and shit And not much time to do the stuff we used to do all the time. Like hang out, football, darts, Music and general lads stuff.

I honestly didnt think I would find the same kind of friendships that had been straying from me over the last couple of months. But fuck me.....I was totally wrong. Since I moved out I have gained so many people in my life and I couldnt be happier. Im out most nights just hanging, Gigs, Chats, Mexican food, Creeping with Kev!

I have to say, Moving out was the best thing for me. Although I havent been able to exactly live there the last month or so, Im glad to say after this week I will be in a better financial situation and I can finally afford to live with my boys again.

The reason Im posting this is...... Although I have gained sooo Many new positive and caring people in my life, There is always one or two haters. I love haters. Give me fucking more of them. There the people on the OUTSIDE LOOKING IN. The people who hate the fact that you are popular (For want of a better word) Amongst your friends. They hate sitting on the sidelines looking on as you enjoy there company and they enjoy yours. They use dirty tricks to try get your attention so you know that they are there lurking in the background...Hoping and waiting that you slip up so they can feel better about themselfs. Why people do this I really dont know.

Basically...What Im trying to say is... IM HAPPY. DONT HATE MY HAPPINESS. CAUSE THE ONLY ONE IT HURTS IS YOU!

These people know who they are :) The cant understand that in this world there are genuinly happy people.

Peace out and have a good holloween :)

As the World Turns...

Back once again for the renegade Masta!

Hi, Sorry I haven updated this in a while. The reason? I couldnt have been fucking arsed.

So Whats been going on? Well Since the last time a good few things happend and here they are in bullet points.

• Signed up as RED ENEMY manager.
• Moved into the Local with the Lads.
  
• Got With Nickey.
  
• Built a House with Casey and Noel.
• Broke up With Nickey.
• Went to belguim with Doods.
  
• Started Going to raves again.
• Started to hang out with a certain 4 foot midget.
  
• Got the RED ENEMY EP out.
• Started the process of turning my company Limited.
• Went the Darts in Citywest

Tonnes of other stuff in between it all but they would be kinda major points i suppose. If you have any points of interest i should have put up comment ;)

Other than that... Life has been good. Im so much happier than i was this time last year. Im going to gigs, Hanging with new best friends, Talking complete pony with xMackellx about Nice dicks and syncing our farts. Im fucking broke as a joke but Ive never been happier. Im currently looking into going to college next year and giving it a real go this time round, Im in a totally different mind set now and I feel confidant I can become whatever the fuck I want to be.

They say behind every great man is a great woman... Well I wouldnt know anything about that but what I do know is that behind every Happy man is a fucking tonne of GREAT FRIENDS.

Change, Nature and positive vibrations

So I haven kept this up to date. Lots of mad junk has happened since I last blogged but I'm not going to make a huge post on all that junk.

So I finally think its time for a complete change, Scenery, house, people, attitude..... every aspect of life really.

I'm looking into moving into a house with a few cool lads I know from a local music forum. I'm talking to a new chick too, she makes me smile and feel important....Which is nice for a change. I'm currently looking into getting into mix martial arts and start doing a Lil UFC fighting for fun like. I think If I move out I will look for a whole new football team too. The house is near the beach which is perfect cause I can go fishing most days now instead of only once or twice a week. I really love fishing, I just brings you back to whats really important in life. No!!! Not the baiting the fish to death to stop it from suffocating, But the getting in touch with nature.

Fuck all this concrete, electronic equipment, computers, technology, fluoride in the water, pollution in the air, Religion and monetary systems.......Its all bollocks, its all smoke and mirrors to keep you entertain and detached from nature!

Nature is where it is at. That's what life is about. Survival. If there's one thing I urge people to do is to just get out of the city and explore the wilderness. Climb a mountain, jump into a river, climb a tree. sit back and relax and look and listen to all around you. investigate for yourself. If you tell me you don't feel happier inside, your not more calm as a result or more clear minded about what really matters in life Then you deserve to rot in front of your TV drinking your brain rotting Fluoride ridden water and worrying about the money you don't have to pay the bills you don't need for the goods you don't need to satisfy your emptiness.

Ive noticed something in the last while, there actually is a god, its you! Its me.....Its every living thing, its every atom everywhere..........We are just matter, A self manifestation of ourselves, we create ourselves from the matter we already are, then we create our own destiny in which memories are created which further enhance our being of self, based on memories you can perceive what the future is most like to entail, based on previous experience. this then helps you to best judge on what to do next, enabling you to choose your own destiny.

The two key principles I feel the universe work on is Vibration and Attraction.

Everything is vibration, sound, light waves, molecules everything. Attraction will draw things to it. Put it this way, If you send out bad vibrations....... you will attract bad vibrations. Everyone knows that guy who moans about how everything bad always happens to him and "Whats the point" And so is always negative. Did it ever occur that maybe bad things happen to this person because he is sending out negative vibes constantly? Misery enjoys company. Do you think he will have upbeat friends? nope.... you can bet all his friends are sour losers too.

We also all know "That guy" you know....The guy who is constantly smiling, Always saying hello, always happy to help or go out of his way for someone. Ever notice how everyone smiles back, Waves back, Talk about him in nice ways and would do anything if he ever needed it??? attraction to positive vibrations maybe???

I think so. Try it and see if your live doesn't get better within a week. Be happy, make people happy, smile at people, converse positively, help people. Watch the dividends pay off within a week and try tell me I'm wrong.

What have you got to lose??? 7 days out of the many 10s of thousands you gonna live. Trust me.......Life is about to change!

MEGA UPDATE!!!

So I haven't Updated this in a while, Been mad Busy in the job. So much has happened since I last posted. The company is absolutely flying, like I mean we are making so much progress so fast, but IL keep that for another blog this is about Personal life today.

So Me and Nicola didn't work out, I tryed my best but realised she made me sad and upset in myself, I need to stay in a positive attitude all the time so she had to go, I finally realised I didn't love her anymore, Its a long chapter in my life that is now closed, But its for the best, Onwards and upwards I suppose!

Let me tell y'all something a little more lighthearted...........well a bit durrrrty:D

At a party on Saturday at some big awesome mansion. The thing was totally mental, Got way out of control but I needed a party like that. A mate of mine comes up and says "Here man, I just met that chick" I was like "Nice one man, shes nice" just as he finishes saying it, some dude comes up and says to the both of us "Here lads shes a durty oul yolk over there, I just spunked in her gob". My mates face dropped!!!! "YOU DIRTY CUNT, IL KILL YE" They ended up laughing about it after some fighting :D

AHAHAHAHAHA Mega funny reactions!

Cull finished a game of 301 with 7 darts:D He was chuffed to beat mock with it, Apparently it was the best darts the extongsion has seen in a while.

I have a mate that's a journalist and is looking for a job so if any of you motherfuckers have a hook up, Pass it on cause she wants to get into writing asap. I'm all for helping enthusiastic people, so help a niggah, help a niggah yeah :D

Gold shot gun in call of duty 4!!! Come on

Oh and its my birthday on Friday, Everyone better come and rock out with me.

That is all

Later gators ;)

Business time!

My company moved into our new office today, Im really happy!

Its finally feeling like all the hard work is starting to pay off, even though we havent made a dollar yet, But were not trading yet so I guess Its all expenses till we do. We will be hopefully trading by may.

We Hired our head of sales today, Had a meeting with him and we got the ball rolling. We have a meeting tomoro with a guy we are putting in charge of Marketing. We have a bunch of people getting on board already looking for jobs, We are currently beating off investors with a stick also.

We have a meeting on wednesday with one of the head guys from SEGA who is flying over to have the chats with us, Konami are looking to get in on the deal but I think SEGA's deal will be better, but we will have to wait and see.

Hel knocked us out some lethal  hoodies for me and shane going to the gaming expos in london, They turned a few heads cause everyone else was wearing suits. He done us a solid on the Logo and even on the price of the hoodies. Were looking to make him head of visuals for the company advertising department. We will have a chat with him on wednesday about that.

So I guess all is going well at the moment, I actually dont feel like some waster from the mun just sittin around drinkin all day.............Now Im a Business dude who drinks all day :D

Only kidding, I only drink on the weekends ;)

Laters ya'll