So although my life has been coming together piece by piece the last few months and Ive been happier than i think I have ever been, Ive still had a grey cloud over me up until today.
Although I have my lovely little house, in a lovely little area, with my lovely house mates and paying for it all with my lovely little job, my depression was still in the background. I had come off my medication by my own choice at the end of the summer as It was time to suck it up and stop hiding behind the pills.
Things have been really complex lately. I was thinking of buckling and going back to the pills. I was finding tonnes of things too hard to cope with. Too much at one time. Then I looked at myself not so many days ago and realized "Man...I have a fucking full grown beard" What the fuck is this shit??? Men get beards! Not me. I'm still only fucking.........Oh!!! I'm 20 motherfucking 4 going on 20 mother fucking 5. I am a man. Bollocks!!!
So...Being a man, I suppose I'm gonna have to step up and TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS!
I put on my game face. Wiped my worry slate clean. And decided to deal with everything as it comes. One mother fucking problem at a time.
I started with getting the social life sorted. Reigning it back a little. Stop using Mr. Vodka as some kind of comfort blanket to help me sleep. Done. Next, Finances. With the social life pegged back, More cash has become available, Bigger chunks of cash off bills. Done.
Next, love life. Well, When I say love life..... I mean the part of my life dedicated to female friends. Up until recently I had not realised what a fucking wanker I have been to women. Specially the ones who actually love me. And to my surprise...There was more than one. I had three Women tell me they were in love with me this month. I don't understand it. But regardless...I'm a fucking chicken. I push them all away as harshly as I can so they never come back.
Ive apologised to all but one. She doesn't deserve a sorry.
I had also been getting weird vibes from a really good mate lately. I knew they were avoiding me as much as possible without letting me know or hurt my "feeeeeelings" but I was in such a good humor today nothing could bring me down. I decided to hit that shot up head on. All or nothing. Surprisingly after just being straight for what seemed like an hour, But in fact was about 5 sentences...We were back on track. This week I had gotten three texts from said friend. Tonight we chatted for about 5 hours, Having fun, Laughs and actually talking about stuff that mattered. It gave me that 5% extra spring in my step.
Although I haven't specifically said what has made me snap out of my grey lull, lets just say Ive had an eye opening experience this week and I'm glad I came out of it the better. Things could always, ALWAYS be much much worse. Keep smiling and the world will smile with you.
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